HAPPY NEW Year! – a bit late, I know –

Uh, new year, new me, new resolutions!

Hah ce gluma bună am făcut. Serios. Anul acesta a început atât de banal plus ca depresia post natala ma afecta teribil încât nici nu prea realizez cine știe ce ca e alt an.

Mai ales ca încă suntem în lockdown.  Sunt mai degrabă conștientă de faptul ca se face un an de zile de când stau acasă literalmente făcând nimic și fiind și plătită. 🤷

Bine, ultimele aproape 5 luni nu se poate numi chiar nimic ca deh, copil. Which is doing great by the way.  Creste, gangureste, molfaie mâinile, suzeta și tot ce mai prinde în mâini.  E chiar cute când încearcă să vorbească. Dar serios, pastilele sunt za shit ca fără ele sunt mega nasol.

Le oprisem la un momentan dat din cauza la efectele secundare și nici nu realizam cât de aiurea eram.  Când am sunat sa mi le schimbe a zis ca toate au efecte secundare și sa le mai dau o șansă ca după 3-4 săptămâni se liniștesc.  Au fost brutale primele 2 săptămâni sincer. Trebuia sa dorm aproape constant ca să nu simt cât de rău îmi era dar a meritat pentru ca ma simt aproape normal. Like me.

Still don’t really realise I have a child for life though. And I can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss the newborn phase and I sure will miss this phase as she gets older.  Her tiny hands clenched in her sleep makes me go gaga over them.  Mno she’s cute and she’s mine.

Uh look at that..

You know, it took me like a month and a bit to realise that I’ve given my daughter the same name as B. fiancée. 🤷

To be honest, it is a classical old name which is easy to pronounce across all languages, along with also being her godmother’s name.

We also literally chose it before going in for my c section and it wasn’t on the list at all. Like not even a whisper of it.. And I truly didn’t even realised till weeks after which made me giggle.

Guess this means I don’t give a fuck anymore? Considering that it didn’t even cross my mind?

I’ll take that.

However a small part of me wonders what the fuck he will think if he finds out. :)))

Happy Pills

Tralala lala I’m on happy pills! Tralala lala me so happy!

Ha, I wish. Se pare ca nu am reușit sa scap de ce mă temeam– tananana – wait for it – drum roll please – POST NATAL DEPRESSION!

Oh, ain’t that lovely? It’s so warm and cuddly, engulfing you from all around, making you fuzzy inside with sadness and anger. Urgh..

Mno, serios acum. This sucks balls. Maxim.

Nu prea am crezut ca o sa am nevoie de pastile, asa când doctorul de familie mi le a prescris eram like meh, vedem noi. Am început sa le iau și am observat ca îmi oprește anxietatea destul de okay dar am un efect secundar enervant rău. Zici ca nu pot să râgâi / respir, de parcă am o minge de golf în gât, așa că le-am oprit.

Dudeee, big mistake. Big big mistake.

Nu am mai fost meh față de fazele enervante ale copilului (fun fact, premmies grunt, snort, make a lot of noise and sometimes can’t stand STILL! Those arms of her can be lethal I tell ya), ci am fost plina de nervi și draci și nici nu vroiam sa mă uit la ea. Literalmente aveam niște gânduri atât de aiurea și iar îmi venea sa bocesc mai ales că mă simțeam vinovată.

So yeah, happy pills rulz.

Tu de ce scrii?

Am dat de aceasta întrebare într un post pe blogul ‘a sophisticated woman’ ( how the heck do you link stuff anymore when writing on your phone? 2nd edit, uh, managed to figure it out) și trebuie să recunosc că m-a pus un pic pe gânduri.

Multă vreme nu am mai scris pentru ca eram fericita sau pe acolo. Nu aveam motive, pana la urma acest blog a început ca un mod de a abera despre B. și lucrurile random din timpul facultății.

Acum când daily grind a fost munca, casă, munca și o vacanță, doua, nu prea am avut despre ce. I mean, stilul meu de a scrie e atat de plictisitor.. Literalmente aberez despre ce m-a afectat cel mai mult.

Nu mai am povesti nebune despre sex, sau drame despre foști / facultate. Sarcina m-a afectat emotional și fizic de am simțit nevoia sa scriu iar, hence the last few posts dar in rest.. As putea sa aberez despre cum nu cădem de acord sa decoram sufrageria :)))? yeah right, as if that’s exciting as fuck.

Nu știu, ce e drept zilele astea nu funcționez cum trebuie. Lipsa somnului (deh, copil de 7 săptămâni), combinat cu alt lockdown și hormonii mei care încă sunt peste tot, m-au adus în stadiul în care sunt mai mult sau mai puțin un cartof în pat care are grija de copil.

Although it may be a bit of a post natal depression… yeeey. -_- so watch out, I may write more often now.

Monday 2nd of November

My potato is home.

Has been home for a bit now, spending only two weeks in NICU which was less than what we expected but she definitely surprised us considering she was born at 33 weeks.

It was interesting the first few days especially as we are two people that have no clue about babies / children in general.

I was a sight to see the 1st night she was home as I panicked a few times while husband was sound asleep. Was she was breathing or not? ( no machine to look as used to do in the hospital), was she cold or hot ( googling at 4 am about infant cold hands and feet/ body heat) and so on.

Oh, let’s not forget the 1st time she had milk coming out of her nose. I literally froze till common sense kicked.. Gotta admit, husband is better at this kind of stuff than I.

So yeah.. we are slowly getting used to our potato and being called mum and dad.

Who knew that I will actually end up married and have a kid in the end. Ten years ago this wasn’t the plan..

Oh, and recovery after a c section can be a right bitch. The ones that say that a c section is the easy way out and makes me less of a mum can go and suck on a lemon. Or a dick.

Sunday 27th of September

A few days ago I started a post in which I was moaning about how I still hate pregnancy.

Now?.. I wish I still was pregnant.

My baby girl decided to be be naughty and after two days of monitoring, the doctors took the decision to do an emergency c-section.

I can’t even fully put into words the last few days… We are running on fumes and I hate that I can’t move and do more while she’s away in a different town as that particular hospital has better facilities.

I’ve gone to see her today the 1st time since giving birth, and damn it was tough. So small and so many wires and tubes around her that I was even scared to touch her.

I sincerely don’t wish this on anyone.

She’s doing great so far and hopefully in three weeks she will be home with us. But till then, this mama needs all the positive energy she can get.