Wednesday 1st January 2020

Pff.. There it is.. the start of a new decade.

At the moment I can see that there is this trend of posting pictures of yourself from a decade ago and now. Can’t deny that some are interesting.. I would like to think that I look more or less the same (excuse the extra 5 kg) however I definitely changed as a person.

10 years ago B. ruled my world and I was in uni. Now.. my husband is za best and business trips to France are starting to be the norm. My mother likes to remind me everytime my dislike for French classes in school, which I guess it’s ironic as I’m more or less using it now.. Life, right?

Anyway, 2019 has been an interesting year.. Ups and downs, sometimes more downs, quite a few disappointments from people around however I’m good. Struggling a bit at the moment with my mental wellbeing and trying not to be bitter. Trying to figure it out what exactly makes me feel bitter in this particular situation…my personal loss from September or the hypocrisy.

The situation is like this. My friend and I grew up together and we used to be really close. However in the recent years we have changed loads as you do, and in the past year I feel that she’s been really passive aggressive about some things. But she’s like family so I still really care about her and ignore most of it . My biternes at the moment is coming from the fact that when I was going through IVF and ultimately was pregnant, she was quite mean in some instances even saying stuff like don’t get too excited till you get over the 1st trimester as things can happen etc etc. And now bam, she’s pregnant. Planned btw as they more or less admited it when they shared the news. Again, nothing against that as I am happy for pregnant people around me and can talk about it happily. What really upset me was that she never even mentioned that she is planning this and was right after I miscarried. Also she gone all the way in sharing the news with things like baby grow with the the due date etc etc and she was 7 weeks. How come I shouldn’t have gotten excited etc but she can? It’s like those comments never happened and now I’m supposed to be ecstatic for them. Am I too crazy? Too emotional? Are these plausible reasons for how I feel or am I just bitter that she’s pregnant and I’m not anymore? The kicker is she knows that I had a 2nd miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy in late November. Unless she chose to ignore it as I have to admit, I haven’t really discussed it with her as it was hard for me to even comprehend it at that point.

Fuck it. I’m still not sure I want kids and I feel this way. Childishly I just want to act like she never told me she’s pregnant and just to meet up once per month as before for boring chit chat and then back to our lives. I’m sorry but at the moment, selfishly, I don’t have the energy for more when she made me feel like shit back in August.

Tuesday 15th October

It is strange how sometimes things go back to normal like the previous weeks never happened. Because that’s how I feel right now.  Like my pregnancy never happened and in a way that all my IVF journey never happened.

But you know what the most fucked up thing is? Now I actually feel relieved and I tend to believe that maybe I truly don’t want a child.  Maybe I am too selfish. Don’t know…

I actually felt guilty too for not being heartbroken or depressed that I lost the pregnancy.

However don’t get me wrong, I have had some strong feelings that week and I was all over the place till my last scan when everything got confirmed.  I just.. don’t want a child anymore. Not right now..

 

 

Sunday 15th of September

I’m more or less a walking tomb at the moment…

Friday I’ve had my 1st scan and there is no heartbeat and measuring smaller than it should. It stopped developing two weeks ago. I’ve been a walking tomb for two weeks now, with another definite five days to go till the next scan to confirm it. I doubt something will change by then. With IVF you definitely can’t make a mistake regarding dates.

I was fine. I honestly was okay as we really weren’t expecting it to work. But today .. I don’t know. I’m crying and I can’t even put my finger on why exactly. Am I sad? Am I grieving for my baby that my body will still need to miscarry? Am I just too all over the place? How the fuck do you deal with something like this. No, correction, how do I deal with this?

At the moment I don’t know how.

Saturday 3rd August 2019

Have I mentioned that IVF sucks? I am honestly thinking to never go through this again if it doesn’t work ( I know, I know, never say never but this is the feeling at the moment) . I wasn’t responding well so they have increased the drugs, more scans, more crying, more injections and finding out that my left ovary is not responding/ working. Not sure how I feel about that. Should I feel less of a woman or something like that ?? At least that’s what I keep reading how others feel when they find out something is wrong with their fertility. Maybe a year ago I would have felt the same, but now? Honestly? I don’t give a shit anymore. I am past the line caring about this.

The last few months I discovered that having a child is not what I desire the most. At least not now, not at this age. Times change and this opinion may as well, I am fully aware of it. Why I am going through IVF then? Because a few years down the line I don’t want to regret not doing it now. Don’t get me wrong, if it will work, great, the child will be loved and welcomed. If it doesn’t… it won’t be the end of the world. I guess we will just continue spoiling the cat.

Also, I can actually go the other way- is it actually sustainble to have a child nowadays ? I don’t know what the next few years will bring down the line. More serious global warming, war, diseases etc etc. Will I feel guilty for bringing a child in this world?

But yeah, let’s see what Monday scan brings . If all good, egg collection from my right ovary on Wednesday, if not, more drugs and egg collection on Friday. And trust me , you don’t wanna know what this actually implies ( just think needle through the walls of the vagina) . Yeeey… not.

Tuesday 23rd July 2019

Astăzi a fost o zi fututa. Maxim. Începând cu faptul ca joi trebuie sa ajung de urgență în Paris cu jobul și terminându-se cu o criza de plâns seara.

Reason for the last part? Stupid hormones and my reticence to start the next batch of injections.

IVF sucks guys.

I really hate the way this medication makes me feel, I’m hormonal as fuck.

Saturday 18th May

It’s half two in the afternoon and I’m still in bed and I don’t give a fuck. Why? I’m ill, in pain and high on pain killers. The pain I’m used to but seriously , I really hate being this snotty. I can’t sleep unless I’m upright and I’m pretty sure I’ve used a toilet roll in 2 days.

I can’t even muster the energy to be happy for going to France on Monday, although I really hope I’ll get better by then. Meeting the new bosses from France as a snot goblin wasn’t on the agenda. Can you imagine, me blowing my nose several times in the middle of the meeting while everyone is trying to be polite and ignore my trumpet like sounds. Hah.. that will be one way to remember me I guess.

Let me live let me die

Sunday 13th January

Reading back my last post I can see that I was a bit down. Okay, a bit more.   That week/ month had been a pretty horrible one.   I am better now. I think.. well I hope.   I am not as ‘crazy’ anymore in regards to tracking ovulation and all of that.  More or less I gave up, heck I am not even wearing that bracelet anymore .

Anyway, life is life. You get down, get up and start all over again.  Things have been pretty tame lately to be honest. Still trying to change habits and the one that I am working on at the moment is not getting into bed as soon as I get home as the main TV is in the bedroom. Still annoyed with that but hey compromises.  Its unhealthy I tell ya.

So yeah, trying to also lose weight by doing a little everyday. I  know that if I will go all the way in two days I will quit, so 5-10 min exercises are the key.  I am horrible out of shape though, I am sweating and puffing after 5 minutes and my muscles really ache.  Hope this means it’s working even a little bit :))))  I do want a flat belly on that beach in Bali.

So.. yeah, these are my little goals for now, I have to wait what  other challenges 2019 may bring..

J.