Sunday 27th of September

A few days ago I started a post in which I was moaning about how I still hate pregnancy.

Now?.. I wish I still was pregnant.

My baby girl decided to be be naughty and after two days of monitoring, the doctors took the decision to do an emergency c-section.

I can’t even fully put into words the last few days… We are running on fumes and I hate that I can’t move and do more while she’s away in a different town as that particular hospital has better facilities.

I’ve gone to see her today the 1st time since giving birth, and damn it was tough. So small and so many wires and tubes around her that I was even scared to touch her.

I sincerely don’t wish this on anyone.

She’s doing great so far and hopefully in three weeks she will be home with us. But till then, this mama needs all the positive energy she can get.

Thursday 13th of August

Yesterday I had to take a decision that still makes me emotional as fuck and crying at random times.

Back in March we’ve adopted another bengal as a rescue, this time a kitten hoping that our older cat will accept her. Well…that was wishfull thinking as the kitten didn’t get along with her at all. So after six months I had to take the decision to rehome her and it hurts. I know this is the best for both cats especially as behavioral issues have cropped up with both of them and I had enough of cleaning cat wee from the carpet, but it still hurts..

If I wasn’t seven months pregnant maybe I would have tried a bit longer but it’s getting more difficult to move around and I couldn’t chase after them so quick as before.

I just feel guilty as I took a commitment towards the kitten and I feel like I’ve failed her. She’s at a RSPCA centre that I’ve volunteered before so I know she will be treated well and placed into a home suitable for her and her personality. But I keep imagining her being confused and stressed with unknown sounds and people in the cattery, not having myself or husband to go to as before for cuddles and petting.

Think that once she will be adopted I will be able to let go of my guilt more easily. In a perfect world she would have gone into another home straight away but we don’t know anyone else that could have taken her and I didn’t want to risk for her to go to a bad home especially as bengals are bloody expensive and could have attracted the wrong sort of people. At least the centre can filter the applications out, interview and assess the living conditions properly.

I know, totally random post but it has affected more than I thought. Not sure if it’s because I’m more hormonal than ever or that she really got into my soul. She is such a little spitfire that could melt even the coldest hearts.

Our older cat is finally coming back into her old self which shows it was the best decision for both of them… Just not sitting well with me that the kitten has to ‘suffer’ a bit more till her forever home…

Monday 22nd of June

These pregnancy dreams are wild.

Fuck knows what my subconscious is on. I mean, other pregnant ladies in general dream about the baby and all of that. Me? Looks like I can win an award for the silliest dreams ever. Star wars elements? Some weird magical things? Past childhood moments? You got it. I can only assume Netflix before bed is the culprit for some of these. But the dream from last night, I don’t know on what I can blame it on.

It was about B.

I had some weird sexual ones around the 7 weeks mark with him and the majority of my exes but since then nada. Now? This one was new and nothing sexual in it. We were in a cue together, waiting for some documents and he was the person next to me and we started talking and even making some small jokes. Everything stopped though as apparently his girlfriend worked there and she showed up. Cat woke me up though so no idea what would have happened next. I can still remember this desire of wanting like a full day with him away from everyone else. This desire and then his girlfriend showing up its the pattern in my dreams involving him. Well, minus the weird sexual ones from the beginning of the pregnancy. 0_0

I honestly can’t understand this desire of mine. I am fully aware that I’ll never get closure and life has taken me so far away from where I was 10-12 years ago that there is no point to even think about it. I mean, I don’t even find him attractive anymore.

Someone should tell that to my brain though.

Sunday 10th May 2020

Still alive. Still cooking the crotch gremlin. Still not working due to the pandemic. I’m not complaining about the last one though.

You know how people sometimes say pregnancy is amazing, rainbows and unicorns? Well fuck them. They lied.

It may be for some ladies but I fucking hate being pregnant. Which is an absolute mindfuck considering the journey to get here. I resent it. I resent being pregnant! There I said it. Luckily as the weeks pass I’m getting more to terms with it and my mental state is not as bad as in the first weeks. I still don’t know on what I survived seven weeks besides mashed potatoes. I’m entering my 2nd trimester and food is slightly better now however other issues have started which are nightmare. And I still have 6 months of this. Fuck it. Fuck fuckity fuck.

I miss being able to breathe without feeling like I have a golf ball stuck in my throat, or to be able to bend over without feeling a small beach ball in my stomach. I am fully aware the baby is not that big, but you know that thing called bloating? It’s on another level while pregnant. Oh and the gas. Sweet mother of Jesus. I’m lucky husband loves me. At least I hope he still does! I can cry out of anything. Oh, the cat looks cute? Let’s cry a bit. Feeling crummy after my 2nd round of vomiting for the day, let’s cry some more. And so on.

So yeah, loving life at the moment.

***don’t get me wrong, looking forward to have the baby and always panicking when I don’t feel sick anymore or have cramps constantly and so on. But moaning about it helps me cope with all these changes to my body, hormones and mental wellbeing.

Saturday 20th of March

Well well… Look who is bored and self isolating for the past week due to being part of the vulnerable category ? MEEEEE!

Seriously now, while I am bored I am slightly grateful as the past few days I can barely function without feeling seasick or like I’m having one hell of a hangover. You know it’s bad when you have to call in sick even though you’re working from home. That bad. Don’t get me wrong, working from home is a blessing in disguise as it seems that even driving is making me queasy. Yes, you’ve read that correctly. If I drive I’m getting sick.

The reason? My own little crotch gremlin currently cooking, 6 weeks and 3 days old. Uh, wasn’t expecting that.

Looks like this time my 2nd try at IVF may actually work, but fucking hell I feel dreadful. I knew I would feel slightly off but was expecting heartburn, not gagging and spewing all over the place constantly. I really really REALLY dislike puking!

And you know what else annoys me? I can’t clean the house the way I want as the cleaning supplies smells horrible and can’t be around them. Oh, and eating. I haven’t had a proper meal in almost 2 weeks! 2 WEEEKS! I’m surviving on pasta with feta cheese, or bread and cheese! This kid rarely likes something else. Ooh, and let’s mention the fact that mid chew it decides that no, the food that you’re eating is not appealing anymore even though you had a few mouthfuls already. So cue giving the rest to your husband which is happy for more food while equally disgusted that you’re gagging now. Sigh. I’m hungry.

Tuesday 15th October

It is strange how sometimes things go back to normal like the previous weeks never happened. Because that’s how I feel right now.  Like my pregnancy never happened and in a way that all my IVF journey never happened.

But you know what the most fucked up thing is? Now I actually feel relieved and I tend to believe that maybe I truly don’t want a child.  Maybe I am too selfish. Don’t know…

I actually felt guilty too for not being heartbroken or depressed that I lost the pregnancy.

However don’t get me wrong, I have had some strong feelings that week and I was all over the place till my last scan when everything got confirmed.  I just.. don’t want a child anymore. Not right now..