23.11.2018

Why does infertility can bring the most insecure things out and makes you bawl like a small child??  I feel lonely right now.  And I don’t even know what I want anymore, not after tonight.  Guess that after my last laparoscopy I was waiting for a miracle to happen but no.. think it will be more difficult than the ‘normal’ way.  Is it selfish of me that I don’t want to do this anymore??  I am tired every month to get my hopes up after a rise in temperature or breathing rate and then get disappointed as the new cycle starts. Odds are against me too.  Endometriosis, short luteal phase, low reserve of follicles and I pretty sure my progesterone is low too but hey, last time I have been to the GP and mentioned it he didn’t even bat an eyelid and ignored it.

I don’t quite like to admit it, but mentally its taking its toll on me. Maybe if it was summer I would have been able to cope better. Hah.. its ironic . When I was younger I have done stuff by the book in order to not get pregnant and here I am now, trying and not having any luck.

The pain from endo is getting worse.  I have decided that in February I shall go back on the pill if no luck as it will slow down the growth of endometriosis.  I don’t think I will emotionally survive IVF at this stage if we were to go for it.   I know that the longer I leave it, the smaller the chances get however not this year.  I just…. can’t.  I can’t.

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17.11.2018

I am starting to think that emotionally I don’t cope well during cold months.  I feel sad, thinking stupid things about the past, wishing I have done things differently and so on instead of focusing on the future.   Guess being settled also gives me a weird vibe sometimes as I’m finding myself thinking about how things were when I was single.

See.. stupid things that shouldn’t matter anymore.  Yes, I am getting old and getting closer to my 30’s however I should be happy with who I am at the moment.  But I am not. Not all the time.  The way my body changed annoys me , but I am too lazy to do something about it. I know this but still I can’t find the energy to work on it.

I have tried to change small things in my life and so far I have been more or less successful.  I don’t throw my clothes everywhere anymore , they actually end up back  in the wardrobe now once home.  I actually also have a skin routine now compared to just washing my face with plain soap and water.  Those pesky fine wrinkles were the catalyst I have to admit.   And other small things around the house and at work.  Is this what getting old does to you??

J.

Life indeed goes on

Uh.. look at that.  last time I typed something on here had been three years ago.  I wonder if I will find that my style of writing has changed a bit due to age and experience.

Well.. short story.. I am now 28 years old ( soon to be 29 urgh), married and trying for a kid. Shock, I know, I’m married! What makes it slightly funny is that I married the one that I last spoke on here, ‘Zmeul’. We have had our arguments, fights and almost breaking up moments, however we lasted and now he is the one that can make me laugh for silly reasons ( which sometimes can involve his dick ).

What? I may be older but my pervert side is still there. Well, when I can actually have fun with it.  Endometriosis is a pain in the arse and it can take all the fun out of your sex life and I am stuck with it for life.  Kudos to my husband though, he had the chance to leave me when he found out however he stuck by me and that was before we got married.   See, I got a keeper.

I don’t know what else to ramble on at the moment. It will take a while to get used to this again as I do want to write stupid things again…

But yeah.. still alive , kinda the same old me, just wiser ( I hope) and married.

Life goes on

Hmm… once again when things are going well I am finding myself not writing as I don’t really have that much to moan about. Changed my job, Monday to Friday one as I’ve always wanted with a bit more money, bought my own car.. got a lovely boyfriend by my side and so on..

So.. yeah.. exciting stuff for me but not really much to talk about. Unless I start talking about the customers at work.. which by the way it reminds me each day how stupid some people can be!

Can I make that two glasses of wine?

Well, this new job is annoying, I knew there was a reason why I wanted just an admin job and not customer service again. Urghh.. we need more training. And I am not just saying this because I am a cry baby or something, it is the truth. Not sure how many will pass the probation period. The collegue that I had to help today (yes, even though I am at the same level) was a bit clueless. Fair enough, my ability to train and coach others have been recognised but I literally was exhausted by the end of the day. My only consolation was that she improved slightly. I am not saying I am great at it, I made three massive mistakes, but two of which I had to take over from her. Urgh.. yes, I am just in a ranting mood..  Started looking for other jobs though, found one that pays the same but less hours? Obvisouly will stick to this one, but if I manage to get a new job the process should be smooth with start dates, notices and all of that.  I am thinking too much.. I am aware that on Monday I may not even feel the same, but today sucked. And not feeling well on top of that didnt help either.  Think I’ll go for a drive.. the roads should be empty at this hour. And yes, I can drive now :)))

In need of a glass of wine.

Hmm.. I haven’t been around for a while.. life got in the way again. Well, being unemployed kinda sucks the joy out of anyone.  Then I’ve been home again, for three lovely weeks with my other half, and then back here to start my new job, which btw I will hate it. But hey ho.. life is life, will just have to suck it up, especially with so even more changes on the line. At the end of the month I am moving out from the flat that I’ve rented with Mr.T, that will feel even more like the end of an era. And to be all alone again, even for a brief time, will be a novelty again. Oh yh, my SO will join me in March.. so thats another change. I am happy. He makes me happy, but can’t wait for him to be here and stop all this non sense although I am starting to feel emotionally tired. I guess I am not used to it anymore, to put so much of my effort into a relationship. The fact that we are both headstrong and different in certain views is not helping at all, plus the distance. So yeah.. I am feeling tired. Even more today and in a way I don’t understand why.  I.. just want for all of this to be over…

Oh yeah, random bit for my older readers.. B. is engaged!!!

end of November.

Things are starting to fall into place once again. Our relationship is at the strongest point till now, resolved a few issues that we have had and also spent some amazing time together. And yes, I can finally say and it actually feels that he is ‘mine’ now! I am happy.. truly.. happy that I finally found someone that I can easily see myself spending my life with, happy that he is as much of a pervert as me, happy that he wants similar things and that we can actually discuss things and not just be moody, happy that everything else finally fucking settled.. and that now it’s just a matter of time till I move out and he comes here.

On the kinky side.. I love being marked by him.

Not everything was lovely though, at some point I almost was close to a small breakdown. That being brought by a phone call at two am by his ‘ex’. Logically I understand he had nothing to do with it in a way, emotionally I just wanted to run away. It brought up a painful memory and similar feelings that I never wanted to feel ever again. I still can’t believe that I started shaking and stuff.. so fuck you B. once again. I’m still damaged in a way. But I am happy to say that I recovered quickly, well.. I kinda had to as he was there and didn’t him to feel the need to touch me or try to soothe me. At least I am strong enough for that, I can raise up my walls quickly. But I have to admit, another similar situation and my imediate reaction would have been .. fuck off.. don’t need or want to feel like this ever again.

Life and love, mix them well and you get a mindfuck.